The Apology

             With trembling hands and drops of sweat forming on his head, Shane waited for what seemed like an eternity.  After he mounted the bull and made sure he was in the right position, he slipped on his leather glove.  As he clenched the braided rope with his mighty hand and gripped the bull with his powerful knees, the speaker introduced Shane to the millions of people watching him.  As he glanced at the crowd and flashing lights that surrounded him, he remembered all the things in his life that led him to where he was now.

        It was mid-June on a Saturday evening.  Troy was sitting in the stands with his father watching the local rodeo.  He was always amazed by the cowboys from all over the nation that performed tricks and stunts on their horses.  He was most thrilled, however, when it was time for the bull riding.  Since it was the last event of the show, most people began to pack their things and escape the rush to leave while the riding was taking place.  Not Troy.  For him, that was when the fun began- that was the highlight of the whole night.  Watching those brave cowboys inspired him.  He hoped that someday he would be in their boots.

        Troy grew up with his parents and younger brother Shane.  Their homestead lay outside of the city of Cody, Wyoming and overlooked the Absaroka Range.  The mountains were surrounded by peaceful streams and beautiful prairie grass.  When the evening hours approached, the sun hid behind the magnificent mountains and cast a shadow on all the wildflowers.  Darkness was all around on the ranch and covered everything except the radiance of the moon in the sky that cast a reflection in the streams.  As the night came to an end, the sun shone through the windows of the small country house as it rose high in the sky.  The dew drops that covered the grass glistened in the sun; it was the start of a new day and everyone began to awaken.

        His older brother had always loved bull riding so why couldn’t he?  Shane walked in his brother’s footsteps and developed a love and passion for the sport too.  Where they grew up, bull riding was the real deal- the sport that truly tested your ability and strength.  The men that rode those bad boys were the real jocks.  They were heroes- the ones that young boys looked up to.  They both had a desire to become someone who stirred everyone’s conversations.  It was their dream to ride those dangerous bulls and hear the “Ride ‘em cowboy!” over the loud speakers.  Out in the country where horses roamed free, there was no listening to rock ‘n roll or hip hop, it was all country.  A typical truck ride was driving on dirt roads and listening to George Strait and Johnny Cash.  One more thing to note, there was no flat talk...everything had a twang.

        Troy taught Shane everything he needed to know.  He explained to him how to do all the chores on the ranch- everything from milking the cows to saddling up the horses.  Shane was informed on how to act and look like a cowboy.  He learned how to button his shirt and click his boots when he walked.  “Never, ever let dust settle into that cowboy hat of yers,” he often said, “And always keep yer belt buckle clean.  Gotta make sure it stays nice and shiny.”  He even lectured him on common courtesy.  Troy specifically told him to say “please and thank you” and ‘yes, ma’am and yes sir” when it was necessary.  “Oh, and never forget to hold the door open for the ladies,” Troy said, “That’s what all the country boys do.”  Troy also enlightened him about a little secret- the proper way to tip his hat whenever he met a pretty little lady.  He made sure that if he was to teach Shane how to do something, he did it...and did it well.  

        Since bull riding was a huge deal in their family, they attended bull riding schools when they were young.  They learned all the basics from how to grip a rope to the proper way to ride a bull.  Long and hard they trained so that they would be able to fulfill their dreams.  As the years went on, however, and they had more lessons, it was evident that Shane was the athlete in the house.  He was tall, strong, and muscular.  He had all the right characteristics of a bull rider.  Though Troy was strong too, he didn’t match up to his younger brother.  Shane’s grip on the rope seemed to be perfect and positioning so precise that it couldn’t have been any better.  Troy couldn’t figure it out.  Shane was able to stay on those bulls forever.  It seemed as if he had everything under control and knew what the bull was going to do next.  It was eerie- the flow and bucking motion almost seemed fake.  Troy worked extra hard but at the end of the day he was never satisfied with his work compared to that of his brother.  As many applauded Shane and praised his excellence, Troy began to have resentment toward his brother and his attitude toward Shane became bitter.  He no longer had a desire to help him or be with him.  

        Shane didn’t boast of his abilities.  He tried to remain true to himself and loyal to Troy.  Although he showed love and compassion toward him, he seldom received any in return.  He stayed humble about his bull riding but this was always squandered by snide comments made by Troy.  “I ain’t that good...I mean anyone could do that,” Shane said.  “Oh stop acting like you don’t think you’re better than everybody else” Troy sneered. 

            Even though Troy didn’t treat Shane well at all, Shane still looked to Troy for wisdom and guidance.  Besides the fact that Troy hated him, he was a very wise man.  Though it wasn’t easy, Shane tried to ignore these cruel remarks.  As they grew up, they spent their whole teenage life with a severed relationship.  Both participated in local rodeos and advanced in their bull riding.

            The Southern Oklahoma State Rodeo was always a fun rodeo to watch.  Shane had been to it three times, but this time he was actually going to participate in it.  Behind the grandstand, Shane put his equipment on along with the other competitors.  About twenty feet away was a pen with all the horses.  Multiple people were standing next to the pen feeding, cleaning, and tending to the horses.  Shane glanced over to the crowd and happened to see a cowgirl taking care of a big black horse.  As Shane watched her, he found it hard to take his eyes off her.  She was so beautiful- she was tall and slim with dirty blonde hair.  She wore a blue plaid shirt, dark jeans, and brown cowboy boots.  Her hair was pulled back in a loose French braid that wasn’t done the neatest.  But Shane didn’t seem to notice that- she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen.  By the time his gaze was broken, it was his turn to ride.  When he was finished, he went back behind the grandstand and began to take off his equipment.  Again, he saw that beautiful girl who was so gorgeous- he couldn’t believe it.  He packed up the courage to talk to her and surprisingly they had a spark.  The next thing he knew he was standing at the front of a huge church looking down the aisle at his beautiful wife-to-be.  She wasn’t just beautiful, though.  She was smart, funny, intelligent, and a perfect match for him.  Though Shane had found his match, Troy had not.  And the two brothers continued their bad relationship.

            At one rodeo held in Dallas, Texas the whole situation got worse.  Now, this wasn’t just any rodeo they were competing in.  This was the national rodeo that led to the World Finals and Troy was the first to perform.  From the very beginning, it was obvious that he was having a bad night.  As the gate opened, the bull caught him off guard and he began to slide.  He fell off only after a few short seconds and landed face down into the dirt.  He was only able to raise his head a few inches off the ground when he heard a huge crack.  The bull had trampled on top of him crushing his knee to pieces.  The crowd continued to grimace at the horrific event and he was taken to the nearest hospital.  Still in shock of the previous events, Shane mounted his bull and took a shot at it.  As usual, Shane had a tight grip on the bull and managed to stay on for eight seconds.  All the riders took their turn and when all were finished, the results seemed to conclude that everybody was having a bad night.  All except one…except Shane.  Even though he won that night, he never took his mind off his brother.  He picked up his winnings and headed straight for the hospital.  As he entered, he wondered what he was going to say to his brother.  He came to Troy’s bed side and sat on a chair nearby. 

            “Howdy, Troy” he said in a quiet voice.  “I brought you something.” 

            As he began to pull out his winnings, Troy began to speak. “Go away, Shane.  Leave.  You ruined my life.  I was supposed to be the pro in the family- I was supposed to be successful.  Now look where I am.  I’m stuck in the hospital and I can’t even walk.  My career is over…it has been ever since you started taking bull riding lessons with me…You just had to be better than me… Doc says that I won’t even be able to bull ride anymore.  You got me into this mess… so get out.”

            Shane got up from his chair without even looking at his brother.  He could hear him talking to his mother as he walked out of the room. 

            “You shouldn’t have treated your brother like that, Troy” she said with a subdued voice.

           “He ruined my life, ma” he shouted.  “He doesn’t deserve…” Shane didn’t even hear the rest of the sentence.  He didn’t want to hear what his brother said about him.  This whole time Shane had treated his brother and the rest of his family with respect and this was what he got in return.  No… he didn’t deserve to be treated like this.  But then again maybe he did.  Maybe he hadn’t tried hard enough to please his family.  Maybe he hadn’t been as loyal of a brother as he could have been.  He didn’t know… He didn’t know what to think at the moment.  All the recent events were being replayed in his mind.  He needed to go to his apartment and think.  He needed to call his wife and talk it all out.  He always did that when he was in a tough situation.  His wife was the person who he wanted to talk to when he was in trouble.  She understood him and made him feel better.  He wanted to write her a note telling her how much he appreciated her, but he never really had the time.  Maybe tonight after he gave her a call he would take the time to write her a letter.  He called her up and began to tell her everything.  As usual, he felt better after talking to her.  However, he still felt terrible that his brother had a grudge against him.  He picked up his phone again and dialed Troy’s number.  To his dismay, he didn’t answer, so he left a message. 

            “Howdy, Troy.  It’s me again.  I just wanted to let you know that I care about you and love you.  I hope you can learn to love me someday.  I didn’t mean to ruin your life.  I just wanted to be like you.  That’s all I have to say, I guess.  See y’all later.”  He hung up the phone once he finished.  For some reason he still felt incomplete.  “Oh well” he thought.  “I’ll get over it.”  Starring at the walls in the hotel room, he decided to write a letter and pulled out a piece of paper.  It didn’t turn out to be a long letter but he felt it got his point across. 

            The next day Shane got out of bed and walked to the breakfast area.  He finished eating and got dressed without really thinking of the events that happened the night before.  He was, however, thinking about the World Finals.  This was the event that he had been working toward for so long.  He packed his things and headed for the lobby.  He caught his plane that landed him in Las Vegas.  When he arrived at his hotel, he could feel his nerves kicking in already.  The whole world would be watching him.  Everyone except one... except his brother Troy.  Shane figured that Troy ignored him and would have nothing to do with him.  He sat on his bed thinking about the big day ahead of him. 

            Troy stood at the front desk waiting to check out of the hospital.  Surprisingly, he was able to get out the hospital quite quickly considering the severity of his injury.  His leg was completely bandaged up from top to bottom.  He leaned against his crutches as he waited for his paperwork.  His parents would be picking him up and bringing him to his little house in Wyoming that was very close to where his parents lived.  His knee was still throbbing with pain.  He looked around the hospital to hide the misery that his leg was causing him.  Looking at his phone and not expecting to find anything interesting, he saw that he had a voicemail.  He opened his phone and looked at the number.  He recognized it, but couldn’t quite put a finger on who had called him.  He clicked on the number and held the phone up to his ear.  As the voice started speaking, he immediately knew who it was.  He listened carefully to his brother’s words.  Before he knew it, his brother had ended his message and a little click sounded in the phone. 

            He stared at his phone and thought about what he just heard.  He realized that he had treated his brother terribly.  He didn’t know that his brother loved him.  He thought that everyone hated him for not living up to Shane’s standards of riding.  He thought that no one would ever take the time to think of him.  But someone did.  His brother did.  The one person that he disowned most thought about him and loved him.  Suddenly his eyes welled up with tears.  As the lady at the front desk handed him his papers, he felt tear drops running down his face, one of which landed on the papers that were just given to him.  “Have a nice day” she told him in a cheery voice, but her words never registered in Troy’s mind.  He was too busy thinking about his brother… his loving and kind brother… a man that had a heart for others.  Walking to the exit door, he saw his parents’ car outside waiting for him.  He got in the car with some difficulty but he made it.  In the car, he was thinking about how he could tell his brother that he loved him too and that he was sorry for all the things that he did that hurt him.  He looked out the window and saw a sign that said “Dallas Airport 5 miles.”  He had an idea. 

            “Dad, take me to the airport.” 

            “What for, son?” 

            “I need to see Shane.” 

             “Maybe some other time, boy.  You need to rest right now.”

             “No, Dad.  You don’t understand.  I need to go now.” 

            “Well, if you say so, son.”  He pulled into the airport and helped him out of the car.  They walked inside and looked for a quick flight to Vegas.  He could catch one at 10:00 that night.  Though his dad was not in favor of him flying right after getting out of the hospital, Troy bought the ticket.  Both of his parents waited with him at the airport until his flight left.  After a long day at the airport, it was time for Troy to board his plane.

             “Are you sure about this, son?”

             “Yeah, Dad.  I’m sure.  See y’all later.” 

            “Be careful” his mother said to him as he walked away on his crutches.  He didn’t have any of his things along except his wallet in his back pocket.  All he wanted to do was see Shane and be there for him on his big day.  Back in Vegas, it was only a little after 9:00.  Shane was nervous for tomorrow.  Most of all he was disappointed that he didn’t hear back from his brother.  On the plane, Troy was wondering what he was going to say to his brother when he got the chance to see him.  He popped some painkillers into his mouth and soon fell asleep.

            The flight was over before he knew it.  He got off the plane and walked into the airport.  Since he didn’t have anything with him he left right away.  Troy caught a cab and checked into the nearest hotel.  When he woke up late the next morning, he grabbed a quick bite to eat and headed for the arena.  Long before Troy had left, Shane had gotten ready, eaten breakfast, and went on his way.  The whole time Shane was up, he thought about all his family and how none of them came with him to Vegas.  It wasn’t that his family didn’t care.  His wife was back at home.  She couldn’t come because of her work.  His parents were with Troy.  He understood that.  He wanted Troy to get better soon.  He just wished that someone could be there.  While Shane was at the hotel getting ready and all these thoughts were going through his mind, he had no idea that Troy came to see him and watch him… and was sleeping in the room right next to his.

            Troy paid to get in and sat in the closet seat toward the front that he could find.  He looked around the arena to see that hundreds of people had come even earlier than he did.  It wouldn’t start for another hour.  He knew that his brother would be here until the start of the show.  He left his seat and went down to the Grandstand.  As he walked past, he saw news reporters from all over the world, talking into a camera about the big day.  All kinds of retired pro bull riders were discussing with one another about who they thought would win and who they wanted to win and what not.  He made his way to the back and looked all around for Shane.  He came to the place where all the cowboys were getting ready and preparing themselves for their ride.  He stood behind the gate and searched for Shane. 

            “Shane!” he yelled.  “Shane, where are you?”  Lots of men looked at him, but Troy didn’t recognize anyone that stared at him.  He soon found it pointless yelling at a bunch of people that couldn’t understand him over the entire ruckus that came from the people storming in.  He made his way back to his seat, wondering whether or not he was going to see his brother.

            The show was about to start and Shane was all ready.  He was thinking about all the things he had learned- all the training that he went through.  He tried not to think about his brother.  He came to the conclusion that Troy had not forgiven him and that he would go through this alone. 

            Back in the stands, Troy had found that he forgot to reserve his seat and that it had been occupied when he was gone.  He found the nearest seat which was a few rows back from the front.  The show was starting and he waited anxiously for Shane’s turn.  There were a lot of contestants in the World Finals and somewhere in that long line of competitors was the country boy from Wyoming.  As the show went on, he found that Shane was toward the end.  Troy was starting to get worried.  What if he had come all this way to find that Shane wasn’t in it?  What if he had hurt him so bad that he decided not to compete?  As all these thoughts ran through his head and the announcer was rambling on over the loud speaker, it was time for the last ride of the finals.  Then he heard his brother’s name.

            Shane was extremely nervous.  He had started to sweat just standing there.  He put his shaky hands on the bull’s neck and pulled himself up.  He got in the right position and took a few deep breaths.  He steadied himself and remembered all his training.  He ran through all the strategies and all the things he would do if he would face certain situations.  It seemed to take forever before his gate was opened.  Then he heard the bell.  The gate opened and he was off.  The ride of his life had begun.  Even though it would only last a few seconds, it was so important to him.  The bull was going crazy.  But he remained calm.  He kept his knees tucked in tight in the bull’s side and kept his left hand in the air.   

             His rhythm was perfect… the ride was perfect.  It couldn’t have been any better.  Even though the bull was wild, Shane’s strong muscles held on.  During those short eight seconds, commentators were yelling to the cameras about the best ride of the night.  There was no need for any points to be tallied.  Everyone knew who the winner was.  From the hardest bull to ride to the cowboy who did it all, the ride made for a perfect combination; a combination that was awarded the most points.  When the eight seconds were over, the crowd went wild.  Troy jumped up, one arm holding a crutch that supported him and the other in the air cheering for his brother.  He had never felt such joy for his brother as he did for him now.  From the words that were said over the speakers to the crowd going wild, Shane knew that he had done it.  He got off the bull and stood in the middle of the arena.  He was shocked and couldn’t believe what was happening.  He had worked so hard and now his work had paid off.  “If only I could share this moment with Troy.  If only he would be happy for me.” 

             Shane stood there while the crowd was still cheering.  While he looked around, he felt something hit him.  He didn’t know what it was… maybe it was the thought that he had just won and fulfilled his dreams.  It was much more than that, however.  He fell to the ground and the cheers of the crowd turned into screams within a second.  The bull had gotten out of control and run him over.  Troy’s smile quickly turned to a look of terror.  He dropped his crutches and limped down the stairs toward the gate of the arena.  Shane lay on the ground.  He started to get up, but the bull beat him and got him in the back with his massive horns.  Troy couldn’t believe his eyes.  He climbed over the gate and rushed toward his brother.  Though his knee was killing him with pain, he needed to see his brother.  He wanted to see Shane so bad but not like this.  Shane saw someone limping to his side.  At first he couldn’t tell who it was.  Then he saw that it was Troy.  He couldn’t believe it… his brother had come to see him.  Troy went to Shane and took his hand into his.  As he looked into his brother’s face, Troy began to tear up. 

            “Troy…” Shane said with a quivering voice.

             “I thought you would never come.”  His breathing was deep and heavy.  The pain in his back was so extraordinary his body went numb.  Troy squeezed his brother’s hand even tighter when he saw his brother gasping for air.  He knew that it wasn’t going to be long. 

            “Shane” he said in a worried voice. 

            “Shane, look at me, bud.”  Shane broke his gaze and looked Troy in the eyes. 

             “I’m sorry, Shane.  Please forgive me.”  Shane continued to look at Troy with his glassy eyes. 

            “I love you, Shane” Troy whispered in his brother’s ear.  Neither of them spoke for a few seconds.  Then a quiet and trembling voice spoke.

             “Troy…” said Shane with the energy that he had left in him.  But he didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence.        

             “Yeah, Shane?” said Troy in a frantic voice.

             “Talk to me, brother.”  He gave Shane’s hand a little shake.  But he remained silent.  After a few short seconds Shane took his last breath. 

            “Shane!  Look at me!”  But he didn’t respond. 

            “Shane, don’t leave me!”  Troy said with big drops of tears running from his face. 

            “NO!  I need you!”  But Troy knew that it was over.  His brother was gone.

            The event made all kinds of news around the world.  The tragic death of the newly crowned bull riding champ saddened people from all over the globe. 

            It was a dreary day on Saturday, June 8.  Troy was standing in the front of a multitude of people gathered around the casket… the casket that held his brother.  He stood next to Shane’s wife with his crutches and held her hand like he had held Shane’s the day he died.  He could hear her silent sniffles as they listened to the minister.  When she heard the death of her husband on T.V., she nearly fainted.  The next few days she spent most of her time crying and feeling guilty that she wasn’t there for Shane.  Family members and friends stopped by to see her, but she still had a hard time getting through the situation.  Though he still couldn’t believe that his brother was gone, Troy was glad that he was able to tell his brother that he loved him.  He would have rather given him a simple apology followed by a ride home filled with celebration with Shane than a short goodbye, but he couldn’t change the fact that his brother was no longer with him. 

            When the ceremony was over he went home and lied down.  After he took a short nap he had some supper.  On Monday, he and the rest of his family would go to Shane’s house to help his wife sort through his things.  When the time came, he drove to his brother’s house and met up with everybody else.  After his death, one of Shane’s fellow bull riders had given Troy Shane’s bag that he had taken to the arena.  When Troy and his family began to go through all of Shane’s belongings, Troy took that bag out and opened it.  There were a few things in it including an extra pair of riding gloves, a magazine, his wallet, and a pen.  He emptied out the bag and at the bottom he saw a folded piece of paper.  He unfolded it and saw that he had written a letter to someone.  As he skimmed the letter he began to read it aloud to himself. 

            “Troy, I didn’t know if you got my message, so I thought I would write you a little note.  I always looked up to you and saw you as a role model.  You took care of me when I was younger and taught me how to do everything.  I just wanted to say thank you for being my brother.  I’m sorry for anything I did that hurt you.  I didn’t mean to harm you; I was just trying to be like you.  I don’t want to continue this kind of relationship for the rest of my life.  Please forgive me, Troy.  –Shane.”  Troy reread the letter many times.  Finally, he folded it back up and put it in his pocket.

            One year later, Troy found himself at the cemetery.  It was the one year anniversary of the event that changed his life forever.  He laid down some flowers down at his brother’s grave that he picked up the day before.  He also held a piece of paper in his hand.  It was a letter he had written in response to Shane’s letter.  “Shane, it wasn’t you that was the problem.  It was me all along.  Our whole lives it was me who made my life miserable, not you.  You were such a good sport and I was jealous.  Even though I was never a loving person, you were.  Shane, I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did.  I’m sorry.  Even though yer gone now, I’m glad we were able to make it up to each other.”  He tucked the letter behind the flowers and kneeled by Shane’s grave. 

            “I miss you, cowboy” Troy whispered as he slowly got back up.  As Troy left, he had a good feeling inside of him.  He knew that even though Shane was no longer with him, somehow he had gotten the message.